Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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