eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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