I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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