They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
