My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
