You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
