I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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