Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
