if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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