The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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