why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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