stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Randomize
