We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
