just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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