If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
