somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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