i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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