My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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