he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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