I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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