she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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