got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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