Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Your penis caused this!
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