he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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