Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
