A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize