so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
