i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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