I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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