I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Oh god it's open bar.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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