You're a womanizer and a bitch.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
