I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
