It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
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