Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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