half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize