ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
