How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
