who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
