True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
