It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Randomize