Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
