i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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