god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
