I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
