I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
