Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Randomize
