I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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