saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Randomize
