hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Randomize
