I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
