Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Randomize
