just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize