I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize