where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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