If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
