Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
