you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
did you make any bad decisions?
many, i pretty much fell in love with a freshman...it doesn't get much better than that
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
