did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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