So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
