Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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