U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
