If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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