You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
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